On the woman who chooses her own
There is a particular story the engagement ring is supposed to tell.
Someone buys it.
Someone else gets it.
It turns up at the right moment, often as a surprise.
It's a familiar story. Not the only one.
Some women know precisely what they want.
Some women would rather pick the stone, the setting, the metal.
Some women have been wearing jewelry long enough that they know what they want on their hands.
There is nothing unromantic about that.
A woman choosing her own engagement ring is not diminishing the romance of the proposal.
She is choosing the thing she will wear.
That is a crucial difference.
She is the one who will wear it
An engagement ring is often purchased as if the paying customer is the secondary party to the transaction.
In reality, the woman who will ultimately own the ring has far more claim to it.
She knows what looks good on her hands.
She knows if she wants yellow gold or white.
She knows if a heavy band feels right or ridiculous.
She knows if she wants the ring to shout loudly from her fingers or practically disappear after a few weeks.
These are not inconsequential details.
They define the ring's place in her life.
A proposal can be a surprise.
The ring does not have to be.
Taste need not be guessed
There is an appealing delusion that surrounds romance: that it is some kind of intuitive act, that one person can correctly intuit another's desires.
The more important the relationship, the more impressive the guess.
But choosing something well is not the same thing as guessing someone else's desires.
A woman choosing her own ring need not feel diminished by the idea that she might have an opinion about the matter.
She can look at different shapes.
She can try different widths.
She can see how yellow gold looks next to white.
She can look at a bezel setting, or a solitaire.
She can try six rings on, then return to the first.
There is something grown-up about this particular approach.
The ring is being selected with a certain amount of deliberateness because it will be worn with the same kind of deliberateness.
The diamond can be hers to judge
The language of diamonds can be unnecessarily intimidating.
Carat.
Color.
Clarity.
Cut.
Fluorescence.
Certification.
Measurements.
The numbers matter.
They do not override a woman's ability to make decisions, however.
She can decide what matters most to her.
Perhaps she wants a particular shape.
Perhaps she wants a stone with excellent proportions.
Perhaps she wants something big, or something small, or something that looks good with the rings she already wear.
Maybe it's all about the setting.
Maybe she wants a diamond that looks good to her, rather than one that looks impressive on paper.
There is no right answer.
The diamond has to satisfy the woman who will be wearing it every day.
Choosing does not mean choosing alone
There is another, related delusion about choosing one's own engagement ring: that it is an entirely solo activity.
In reality, there are plenty of ways for a woman to choose her ring with her partner's help.
They can go shopping together.
They can talk about budget.
They can look at stones side by side.
They can agree on the basics, then let her make the final choice.
They can let her choose the ring, then make the final choice about the proposal itself.
There are a number of options.
The point is, the woman who will be wearing the ring should be able to make the choice she wants to make.
The ring should resemble her life.
The best engagement rings are rarely the most impressive.
They are the rings that make the most sense, the ones that can be worn with the kind of everyday practicality the jewelry store may not have anticipated.
If a woman works with her hands, that is a consideration.
If a woman travels constantly, that is a consideration.
If a woman never takes off her rings, that is a consideration.
If a woman wears multiple rings at once, that is a consideration.
If she wants something that looks beautiful but unassuming, that is a consideration.
The ring has to survive the life it shares with the woman.
That is where good design can be enormously helpful.
There is no reward for being surprised
The culture around engagement rings can create the impression that surprise is a vital element in an engagement.
The more surprised the bride is, the more impressive the engagement.
But a woman can be completely unsurprised by the ring and thrilled by the proposal nonetheless.
She might know precisely what ring she is getting.
She might have had a hand in choosing the stone.
She might have tried it on for size.
She might even know roughly when the proposal is going to happen.
None of that diminishes the moment.
The ring was never really the point.
It was only the beginning.
A woman's taste will change
There is another practical consideration when it comes to choosing an engagement ring: the woman's evolving relationship to style.
An engagement ring can be worn for a very long time.
The woman who chooses it today will not be the same woman who wears it for the rest of her life.
That does not mean she should choose something utterly generic.
It means she should choose something with enough integrity to last.
Good proportions tend to hold up better than trends.
A strong setting is less likely to betray a woman's evolving style.
A well-cut stone does not suddenly become badly cut because it is out-of-season.
A piece with a clear point of view will have more staying power than one that tries to be all things to all people.
She does not need to be surprised by the ring
Perhaps she wants something big.
Perhaps she wants something small.
Perhaps she wants yellow gold.
Perhaps she wants platinum.
Perhaps she wants a bezel.
Perhaps she wants something unusual.
Perhaps she wants the most basic solitaire imaginable.
She does not need to justify those choices to anyone.
They only need to make sense to her.
There is no need for an engagement ring to be another referendum on women's style.
There is enough of that already.
The old ritual can be modified without being entirely dismantled.
The proposal can continue to be a surprise.
The ring can continue to be a surprise.
The only difference is that the woman who wears the ring can decide what it looks like.
That is hardly an unreasonable request.
A woman choosing her own engagement ring is not choosing to be unromantic.
She is choosing to be romantic in a particular way.
She is choosing to believe that the ring is hers to judge.
It should look good on her.
It should look like it belongs to her.
She does not need to be surprised by the ring in order to be surprised by the life it heralds.
Can a woman choose her own engagement ring?
Yes. There is no requirement that an engagement ring be selected by one partner as a surprise. Many couples choose the ring together, while others let the wearer make the final decision.
Is it less romantic to choose your own engagement ring?
No. The ring is an object worn by the person receiving it; choosing its design does not change the meaning of the commitment.
Should I choose my own engagement ring?
If you have strong preferences about the diamond, metal, setting, size or proportions, choosing the ring yourself can ensure the finished piece suits how you actually dress and live.
Can you choose an engagement ring together and still have a surprise proposal?
Yes. The ring can be known while the proposal's timing, location or circumstances remain a surprise.
